in the past month, i had the pleasure of experiencing a sustain feeling of unmet desire. in other words, i met a woman that makes me nervous being around her. it would seem that although i feel generally introverted, my job sometimes requires me to be super extroverted to make people smile at ease. Most of the time, when i met highly attractive woman, i do freeze up and that professional game time face never had a chance to materialize. it’s precisely because deep down i don’t what that side of me taking the front seat because i feel it betrayed my true self by being so outraesely opposite of that. and so, i examine my states of mind when it hits this sustain unmet desire. for the most part, i give easily into my desires. if i want to buy some gadget, do some exercise, take a day off, not show up at work, those desires are generally met pretty quickly. of course, i get one of those big desires, like hmm, i want a motorcycle. it lasts for maybe 2-3 weeks, as i fantasy about it but not acting on it because i suspect that desire will go away at point. so a lot of the little desires get fulfilled pretty often but generally the big ones get ignored. it’s rare that i keep thinking about her after obviously non verbal rejections! i understand that she doesn’t want to lead me on so it’s all very cordial and polite. for some reason, i feel like she’s putting up a wall as big as mine. anyway, i thought i had a game plan with her last night but i am not so sure any more. still it doesn’t waver that much. it usually between she is just being polite to she build a wall of china around her and no way am i going to get through that wall attitude. i actually thought it may be a fun exercise for me to become more one with this emotional state of being. like i want to see if i can use that strong feeling of desired redirect in a more fruitful direction. i keep thinking of that the the song entitle true happiness lies this way:
And have you ever wanted something so badly
that it possessed your body & your soul
through the night & through the day
until you finally get it!
And then you realise that it wasn’t what you wanted after all.
And then those selfsame sickly little thoughts
now go & attach themselves to something….
….or somebody….new!
And the whole goddamn thing starts all over again.
today it will be her, tomorrow, it will be another her. they are objects of meditation. i know my mind will keep on grasping for those things just out of habit. they can be self liberating. how wonderful is that.