i had a heated debate with an old friend today and although we agreed on most things, i did get my feathers ruffle. it’s been a while since i got so defensive. i thought about it while i was driving home and i ask myself while i get defensive and what was really its root is. sadly everyone knows what the answer but i had forgotten about it. self worth man. yeah, whoa, like that’s deep! my so called success had covered that old wound pretty good. but tonight i got a whiff of the stale wound. trying to prove to myself and others that i am worthy of loving! damn, that childhood yearn that got muffed up in the fumble of parenthood. being defensive so that being right mean by worthy. some how those two siblings got all tangled up. so that’s the level two layer analysis. let’s go up level, the analysis relevant to the context of the conversation. it does’t go as far back as childhood. only over last 20 years. big frustration is the short answer. matters of the spirit is a defensive push button. the strategy of deferment has played out for a long time. realization came early next and maybe exploration took another 5 years. by the end of that, i knew what the path was. the purpose of life as they would put it. but like holding the key to the magic kingdom, i run off in the other direction saying i am not ready for it. give me more time to be selfish and play my ego mind games. let it get out my system the slow and painful way. 20 years later, i am not pissed that my deferment strategy was wrong (i knew that already), i am piss because it’s already 20 years. i am afraid that the next twenty will be the same. the lie has to die.
You are a lover of life with all its foolishness and pain, a poet who stutters but will not be stopped, an honest man who tries to be good, a good man who tries to be wise, and a wise man who laughs at how hard he tries.