in the past few months there has been a lightness that i have forgotten. there has been a notable shift internally and it feels really good and right. it’s easy to covet this feeling at a younger age but the sweetness in the the old age. like millionaires from the dot com days where you live the sweet life after 5 years of intensity and being at the right place. it’s actually nothing like that because the journey to this moment is filled with so many set backs. all those failures scar your being and then they rip up in ripeness when the time finally comes and then you start all over.
i’v been definitely getting doing the ground hog day experience of late. routines and pattens that melt the days together. the monotony of daily life. of course the irony of it is that i live such a glided life. the golden handcuffs are no worse or better, i just need to work through it.
i was sharing my experience on a date a few days ago and i was slightly surprise to hear the positive feedback around my state of being. she had asked what i thought i could attribute it to and the gut response was my state of being is highly correlated to my consistent meditation practice. even more so ever, the insight from vision quest continues to help me see relationships more clearly on what i want to cultivate with each person. really grateful for all these wisdom practices coming to some fruition on some level . meanwhile, i am back on the saddle of online dating and even though i’ve met a few interesting people of late, my desire to start a relationship has wane in the past year. i still believe that i want to develop a few deeper and more intimate relationships but the sense of urgency and the desire for finding a more suitable fit has left me with pretty slim pickings. which is to say, it’s another marathon of a project for me. just have to be open to the possibility and trying without being attached to outcome.
it’s been more than a year and half since i’ve participated in my first vision quest. undoubtedly, one of the more brave things i did not because it physically scare me to go into the desert whilst on a fast and without any shelter or distractions. i’ve done enough meditation retreats where solitude and silent was cherished by my soul. only in hindsight did i understand why it was a brave thing to stare into my original wound and coms to terms with it in very visceral and conscious manner. meanwhile, 10 other strangers came to share their stories. the stories stirred my well of compassion violently. It was such a precious week to witness the power of vulnerability to connect our lost souls. even now, the pain and joy of this experience remains fresh in my heart and soul. even though i have lost connection with most of these people, i am grateful for the chance to have done a portrait of them in the desert. it’s such a rare privilege to photograph humans in these states of vulnerability and intimacy.
it’s been 7 days since i’ve entered my first hard core mantra/visualization retreat at pema osel ling. for the most part, it is a bit over my head and in my typical style, i created my own schedule and work the format of the retreat as much as i can handle. in hindsight, the learning experience is i should take a few shorter mantra style retreats here and next time, do a shorter duration of the drupchen retreat. still, at least uma is having a wonderful time and it’s really nice to be around other parents that have a pretty strong practice. undoubtedly, i know from this experience that i want to continue to deepen the meditation practice as i complete my first year of consistent daily mediation practice. what that deepening on a regular basis is not clear except the obvious of more time on a daily basis to the practice. potentially, next year it will continue to be about consistently and total hours meditate through the next year. anyway, i going to try to make this summer retreat a tradition with uma. meanwhile, i hope the romantic seeds i planted here grow but i have been better at realizing the shortcomings of my romantic patterns. the free spirited artist with a spiritual under current. I just haven’t found a way for me to reconcile that free spirit with my own rigid desire for a ‘equal’ partnership. in some regard, there is a strong desire to let go of that romantic attachment naturally and just focus on service but even in that framework, i am struggling with finding my strength/time for the service aspect. without growing the spiritual/service framework, the romantic habits will continue to haunt me.
red against cold green #trailrunning
it was only in 2011 that i did my first half marathon in oakland. i remember recently being turn on to the barefoot style of running and i was running the half in my vibram five fingers. For the first couple years after moving to the east bay, my running practice was mostly on the road and definitely more a form of exercise to manage stress. So, when i look back at this past weekend after completing my longest one day race, i mused at the slow progress i’ve made in the last 6 years. a part of me wants me to plateau at this level and not push myself to do the 50M Ultra. It’s been wonderful to push my zone of comfort and do longer distances but the time commitment and the addiction to that style of progress is bearing on me. I don’t have to prove anything anymore to anyone, especially myself. My intention was to train well enough so i can do long runs in national parks and see wonderful scenes beyond a day’s hike. So, i am there now and it’s time to just run to explore and take photos. I just need to figure out what the photo story is about as it’s the photos are just pretty images at this point.