probably one of my least favorite subjects to think about. in my teenage years i blame them for the bulk of the misery i felt. in my twenties, the fruition of abandonment came to being but i wasn’t too angry about it. it continued to perpetuate into my thirties and only during my marriage ceremony with neither of them there did the loss come to physical form. and then i visited the lost child during my vision quest and i know there is still work to be done in this area. i think about my original contract, my original wound and i can’t help but to feel and know that this is the root of my shadow work and healing process. i know it’s not a particularly novel issue as i suspect most of feel experience it on some degree. now my journey of trusting the world comes into full conciousness. as i interact with my parents more in the past 10 years, i know is’t a bit odd how unemotionally detached we are around each other. the funniest irony is that we’re all hard core buddhist in our own ways and we fine with her our karma is playing out between all of us. as phyiscal parents, i don’t feel particularly grateful towards them but as celestrial parents, they as good as it gets. so begets this awkward sensation of not giving a shit that we are awkward parents and i am the awkward and proud offspring. i have my mom intense work ethnic and my dad’s laid back attitude. it seems to make for a pretty balance lifestyle i suspect. to be honest, i suspect my daughter will have a similar penchant. she choose as much as i chosen to be born in a household of seekers.
i am really feeling the landscape of my island these days. even though my vision quest had shone a spotlight in this glaring part of my life, i am still feeling pretty stuck in my habitual patterns of being not particularly social. i am using my fatherhood/work is very challenging excuse to have a very low dosage of social interactions and there are times that it becomes slightly embarrassing. of course, i’ve surround myself by mostly very busy/non family oriented people as well. undoubtedly, i don’t need a lot of friends. just a few good ones that would venture deep and long into the wilderness with me. as much i have been explicit about my desire to be in an intimate relationship, i find myself generally unexcited by what’s out there. granted given my very limited social interactions and half ass attempts at online dating, it’s not hard for me be slightly disappointed with my results. unfortunately or fortunately, i find that i am not that all unhappy with my lonesome state of being. i could easily be in a relationship but being in an inspiring one, well, i am on the waitlist for that. even more so, i can’t seem to shake this dreadful feeling that i’ve been through it all before. in this life time and many others. all this conflicting thoughts invariably has put me in an state of inertia. i think i need a new dream. this cultural dream of success and etc is a stepping stone i need to get off. to take another leap beyond my comfort zones of material and stress free live style. there is a seed is germinating about a brave new venture with people with similar caliber and passion.
the past year and especially the last 6 months has been the most challenging for orange in a long time. i am sure the external forces has some bearing but i can’t help but feel the bulk of the failure. undoubtedly, this great failure while I am trying to take the business/myself to the next level has been a great learning experience. even though i feel like i am working smarter and focusing on the ‘right’ things, it’s still an awkward phase as i plant new seeds. it’s been a long time since i’ve felt so financially stretch with the company and although i am not too worry about it, it still sits in the back of my mind. taking out such a significant loan because i believe in what i am doing is ‘right’. like i said, it’s been long time since i had to my money where my believe is. for the last 5-7 years, we’ve coasted and although never really profitable, we weren’t so financially stretch. even with a smaller team and less overhead, the mountain of credit card debt and loans is hitting the upper end of my comfort zone. i keep telling myself that it will all turnaround 18 months to 2 years as the team grows to the next level. sadly, i am not sure i anyone else quite believes. it’s been a lonely experience to say the least as i chugged along in my mixed lighting studio space. my man cave isn’t quite as comfortable as i would like but i quite enjoy having the space to myself. yes, alot of alone time these days as i am half ass about the whole dating thing. i need to figure out some greater mission to fill my heart with. as much as i enjoy working on orange, it’s been too lonely for me to commit my heart into it. without a greater pull, orange becomes the default habit that i fall into. as i toil away on these lonesome nights, i can’t help by question to what end. who will really care? i would like to believe that ‘my’ employees care but that’s not the vibe that i am getting at all. yes, i need some serious deep thought into the nature of my frustration.
in the past few months there has been a lightness that i have forgotten. there has been a notable shift internally and it feels really good and right. it’s easy to covet this feeling at a younger age but the sweetness in the the old age. like millionaires from the dot com days where you live the sweet life after 5 years of intensity and being at the right place. it’s actually nothing like that because the journey to this moment is filled with so many set backs. all those failures scar your being and then they rip up in ripeness when the time finally comes and then you start all over.
i’v been definitely getting doing the ground hog day experience of late. routines and pattens that melt the days together. the monotony of daily life. of course the irony of it is that i live such a glided life. the golden handcuffs are no worse or better, i just need to work through it.
i was sharing my experience on a date a few days ago and i was slightly surprise to hear the positive feedback around my state of being. she had asked what i thought i could attribute it to and the gut response was my state of being is highly correlated to my consistent meditation practice. even more so ever, the insight from vision quest continues to help me see relationships more clearly on what i want to cultivate with each person. really grateful for all these wisdom practices coming to some fruition on some level . meanwhile, i am back on the saddle of online dating and even though i’ve met a few interesting people of late, my desire to start a relationship has wane in the past year. i still believe that i want to develop a few deeper and more intimate relationships but the sense of urgency and the desire for finding a more suitable fit has left me with pretty slim pickings. which is to say, it’s another marathon of a project for me. just have to be open to the possibility and trying without being attached to outcome.